Where are my dolls now?

I wish I was as easily entertained as I used to be.  My baby dolls, barbies, crayons, playground, sand box, and lemonade stands.  It's much harder now to feel my imagination.  To feel the juices flowing into words, and stories, and magic.  I have to work for it, squeeze it out. 

 I used to be so scared of the tooth fairy.  When I felt her picking up my pillow, I didn't dare look.  

My childhood friend and I would play barbies for hours, and hours and hours.  She had so many. It was paradise.  Always the same, a mom, dad, older sister, and younger brother and sister, with a baby on the way.  

Six Words.

Let's all learn how to sing.

We live the best we can.

I can fix that for you.

I wish I had another arm.

She did it, so will I.

I knew you would be lovely.

Don't forget that prayer is free.

We will have a great summer.

Let go and take it in.

Forever is a very long time.

There's nothing funnier than a human.

I can feel change in everything.

I worry myself more than others.

I think I'll be happy today.

What to do when you're sad:

1. Take fifteen deep, deep breaths.

2. Go outside.

3. Find a spot where no one can see you, and you can't see them.

4. Take out your ear buds, and listen to life.

5. Point out the birds, and the bugs and the wild flowers.

6. Stop thinking about whatever is making you sad.

7. Think of someone you love.

8. Think of all they've done for you.

9. Now, think of something you can do for them.

10. Get off your butt and do that thing.

It's as easy as that.

Are we there yet?

Every second it's getting closer and closer to the end.  In two months it'll all be over.  You two will leave to college together, and I'll be off to a far away land, utterly alone.  But I guess there are worse things than being alone.  And you'll leave on your mission, just like that, gone for two years.  We'll be off to start a new chapter in our own books.

Think of all the magic we've been through together.  Think of the many hours we've laughed our guts out.  Think of the many words we've said to each other.  But try not to think about the very limited time we have left.

I wish I could hit a pause button, just until I can take it all in.  Just until I can memorize all of your smiles, and funny faces.  How have you all handled me through out these last months?  I've been all over the place.  Sliding down the walls, jumping up and down, climbing all over the furniture, breaking windows, ripping carpet, throwing the cat down the hall.

From here on out, let's take it real slow.  Real, real slow.  Because I can't handle the fast pace that we've all been going for far too long.  Let's breathe in every moment, so it can travel through our brains down to our hearts, where we'll keep the memories forever.  I just hope that in the near future, my name will still be written all over each one of your books. Because after all, we're all Fat Whales.

I'm always safe with you.

You'll never know how badly and deeply I want to make you proud.  And when you keep me home on weekend nights, you'll never know how badly I want to sneak out and run away.  But I never will because I know when I'm home and with you, I'm safe.  

Because your hands are so safe.  They're brown and callused and thick, pumping with warm blood.  And I know when you play with my hair it's because you love me, even though it doesn't feel as good as when mom does it.  

When you keep me home on those weekend nights, away from my best friends that I love with all my heart, I want to scream so loud that you have to let me go.  But I know that you only keep me here because you love me.  You tell me every time I say good night.  And I don't remember a night that you haven't.  

Even when it's way too late and I'm so mad, and you regret what you just said to me.  I storm out of the room only hoping you'll come meet me in mine.  But you never do, because you know I need that time to cool off.  And you know I'll be back in at least five minutes with big tears, my lip out, and my heart swollen and open, ready for a big bear hug from my daddy.  

And from those nights, that aren't too often, is when I learn my most important lessons.  I don't remember the words we speak at all, but I remember the warm, safe feeling that rushes over me every time.  

I remember we would rent old John Wayne western movies, and we'd laugh for hours and hours.  You loved me to watch them with you... I'll never know why.

When I leave at the end of this summer, I'll be ready.  Because the hours in the hot, sweaty sun, working in the yard, weeding, and planting, and shoveling and raking, that has prepared me.  And getting up at six thirty every morning to read scriptures, every single morning, has built me.  When we were kids, we would talk during church like every other family.  But unlike any other Dad in the whole ward, you would bring us to choir practice after church and make us sit in silence listening, for the entire hour, with our arms folded.  I hated that so much.  

Someday I'll look back and realize I'm doing the exact same to my daughter.  I really hope I do.

I've always wanted to be a dancer.

I've always wanted to be a dancer.  Not just any kind of dancer, but a ballerina.  There's just something about a tutu, and the pink silky slippers, the black leotards and pink tights.  I've never been a graceful girl, and I took a ballet class when I was three, for one day.  

My mom took me home as soon as the class was over, and never brought me back.  I wonder how my life would be different if she kept me there..... maybe I'm glad I'm not a dancer the more I think about it.  The hours and hours of practice and practice and practice.  Is it really worth it for one performance?  I guess I'll never know.

Gridley, California.

I can't even remember the last time I was in the little town of Gridley, California.  The beautiful, quiet town is lined with orchards on both sides of the road, with an occasional humble home.  Sheldon Ave. is the sign we always watch for, waiting for the little blue home with the gate and the stairs leading up to the loft above the garage.

As we get out of the smelly, messy van, the humidity and heat hits us like a ton of bricks.  We can already smell the chlorine from the pool and the fresh green walnuts from the famous tree.  As we walk through the gates, my petite Grandma Jenkins is always there to greet us with hugs and kisses no matter what hour we arrive.  Peaches the cat is always by her side.

The first thing I do  is take the very familiar tour around the property.  I see the peanut shaped pool with the twirly slide that once sliced my fingers open.  I look into the changing room that still has the swim suits from summers ago... no one has claimed them yet.

I walk across the grass, where we always play whiffle ball, to the old rickety play ground.  I then open up the old wooden gate to see the rustic barn and magical kiwi orchard, where I've spent many hours hunting down tiny frogs.

The beautiful rose garden on the right side of the home is my Grandma's pride and joy.  With yellow gold, pink, red, white and multi-colored roses, it is the most beautiful thing I've seen.  

The smell of my grandparent's home doesn't smell like anything else in the world.  There's my Grandpa working on his cross word puzzle as he always is on the kitchen table, with a bowl of oats, milk, and fresh peaches my Grandma picked that morning.

My Grandma's special glass case filled with porcelain dolls was always my favorite growing up.  I would love to hold them and touch their beautiful golden curls.  Down the hall is the play room where the boys usually are, when they're not playing whiffle ball.  The oldest Nintendo you'll ever see is still being used after all these years by all the little trouble making boys.  I can't believe how amazing they are at that game.

 This summer I'll be returning to Gridley, California.  And I can hardly wait to see what I can remember, and to smell what I've been waiting so long to smell.  

Uncertainty.

My eyes aren't working right now because I just woke up from a nap.  A nap I knew I was going to need since the moment I woke up this morning.  Too many times during the day I start to feel my heart racing.  My face starts beating and palms sweating.  Too many nights are spent tossing and turning, thinking of what's going to happen next.  The uncertainty is killing me.

I think of college, missions, people leaving, and new ones coming.  I hate it.  I think of the life I thought was going to be mine. A perfect one with people I loved and places I wanted to stay.  But it's not mine anymore, I guess it never was.  I so badly wanted it to be, and I feel so weak that I don't have control over that part of my life.  My insides burn with the thoughts and dreams that faded from my heart down, down, down.  I still have them, and when I do I have to tell myself that they'll never be.

I don't know how much I can handle, and I am sure I can juggle much more.  This is the biggest thing in my life right now.  Which is most likely the same thing in your life.  And yours, and yours.  In all of ours.  I haven't had to carry very many things that turn me from what I've always known.

But then there's you.  And once I throw you into my 'big pot of everything' that I call my life, I feel a different type of burning in my heart.  It's so deep that I don't know if it's in my heart.  If there is a part of me deeper that my heart...that's where my feelings for you are.

When you have me, everything I've talked about before vanishes.  They shrink and shrink until I am able to consume them.  A huge raging flood rushes through my mind filled with beautiful words you've written to me, times when it has just been me and you.  In my mind it's just me and you.  And I know I don't always know what to say.  I guess I don't really have anything to say, and you don't either.  We're both great listeners, and when you put two listeners together, there's not going to be much talking.  But I don't care.  Because I like the silence.  It's peaceful and full of you, and it's perfect.

  I need to stop staring at the pavement beneath me that I've been staring at for a while now.  I need to lift my head up, see the living, breathing trees.  Admire the living, breathing people and plants and earth that has always been around me.  For now I'll keep living, smiling, laughing, pushing, and growing.  But most importantly, I need to keep breathing.

Please Just Read These.

Death.

Wow.  That's really harsh.  I really don't like that word.  How about "He passed away", or "He's moved on", or "He's in another life".  Yeah, that sounds much much better.

I know I'm supposed to make this post deep and sad and depressing.
Why would I want to burden myself with such a heavy subject.  A subject that worries everyone, but for real, no one ever needs to.  We are all going to die.  It's all apart of the beauty and magic of the circle of life.  Whether it be from Obesity,

or a Gun Shot,

or a Car Crash,

or a Fire,

or Cancer,

or Diabetus,

or Drinking Too Much,

or Falling Off a Cliff,

or Getting Electrocuted,

or Being Eaten by a Shark,

or Never Being Loved,

or Inhaling Chemicals,

or Drowning In a Bath Tub,

or Being Old.

I don't think I know, I don't think I understand.  No one close to me has ever died before... besides my great grandparents, and they actually wanted to die because of being so old.

I guess I don't even know the heart wrenching pain, and blood curdling feelings that come along with death.

Someday I'm sure I will lose someone I love, I'm sure I'll cry and cry and cry and cry and cry.  But right now I can't even imagine the feeling.

Right now I am going to cherish the ones that are living.  The ones around me I love and love to hold, and love to laugh with.  So when someday they do die, I will be able to say I loved them and they loved me, and their life was full of love.

Without love, death would not sting.