Uncertainty.

My eyes aren't working right now because I just woke up from a nap.  A nap I knew I was going to need since the moment I woke up this morning.  Too many times during the day I start to feel my heart racing.  My face starts beating and palms sweating.  Too many nights are spent tossing and turning, thinking of what's going to happen next.  The uncertainty is killing me.

I think of college, missions, people leaving, and new ones coming.  I hate it.  I think of the life I thought was going to be mine. A perfect one with people I loved and places I wanted to stay.  But it's not mine anymore, I guess it never was.  I so badly wanted it to be, and I feel so weak that I don't have control over that part of my life.  My insides burn with the thoughts and dreams that faded from my heart down, down, down.  I still have them, and when I do I have to tell myself that they'll never be.

I don't know how much I can handle, and I am sure I can juggle much more.  This is the biggest thing in my life right now.  Which is most likely the same thing in your life.  And yours, and yours.  In all of ours.  I haven't had to carry very many things that turn me from what I've always known.

But then there's you.  And once I throw you into my 'big pot of everything' that I call my life, I feel a different type of burning in my heart.  It's so deep that I don't know if it's in my heart.  If there is a part of me deeper that my heart...that's where my feelings for you are.

When you have me, everything I've talked about before vanishes.  They shrink and shrink until I am able to consume them.  A huge raging flood rushes through my mind filled with beautiful words you've written to me, times when it has just been me and you.  In my mind it's just me and you.  And I know I don't always know what to say.  I guess I don't really have anything to say, and you don't either.  We're both great listeners, and when you put two listeners together, there's not going to be much talking.  But I don't care.  Because I like the silence.  It's peaceful and full of you, and it's perfect.

  I need to stop staring at the pavement beneath me that I've been staring at for a while now.  I need to lift my head up, see the living, breathing trees.  Admire the living, breathing people and plants and earth that has always been around me.  For now I'll keep living, smiling, laughing, pushing, and growing.  But most importantly, I need to keep breathing.