But I'm Here.

I see the people that I have filled my life with, my mom, dad, brothers, sisters, childhood friends, high school friends, extended family, and they're the ones I love the most.  I didn't choose to be born in the family that I'm in.  And I didn't choose to live in the United States, or Utah or Alpine.  But I'm here.  And you're here.  Out of everyone in this entire world you all are in my life in some way, big or small.  Out of the seven billion people in this world, I am here with you.  That must mean something.  We must be here for a reason.  And I don't think I really know you.  I don't think I can ever know what you've been through, or what you've seen.  But I know what I've seen and what I've done.  And I somehow feel an uncontrollable urge to share it with you all.  Because I feel that I'm right.  That might sound really ecocentric, but I think I'm right.  You probably think you're right too, everything you believe and think and know.  But what I have in my mind is so clear to me.  It's so pure and true.  And it's this, that there is so much more to living.  When you take away sports, and fashion, school, food, television, video games, homework, college, everything, all we have is each other.  So let's forget about our nails, and the scoreboard, and the status quote.  And lets just remember the people, the smiles, the teeth, the hair, the eyes, the people we love, the people who surround us.

If You Really Knew Me...

If you really knew me you'd call me Kenz. You'd know that I'm good

at making camel noises, and my dolphin noise is pretty good too.  

If you really knew me, you'd know that I still laugh at potty jokes, and that I'm really good at coming up with them too.  

You'd know that I never drink milk out of a glass, it gives me the willies, mugs are the way to go.  If you really knew me, you'd know that my favorite thing in the whole entire world is laughing.  

You'd know that on the back of my phone I have a picture of a lion, and it makes squeaky noises.  

If you really truly knew me, you'd feel the magic of my pinterest pins, they might even make you cry a little.  

You'd know that when someone plays with my hair, I can almost fall asleep instantly.  

You'd know that I am always in need of a glass of orange juice. 

If you really knew me you'd know that I can't handle anything scary, I hate it so much.  

And If you really knew me, I wouldn't even have to tell you all this stuff.

Take a breath of fresh air.

This sun is a breath of fresh air.  Even when the air is clouded with pollen from the blossoms, and little white cotton plumes flying everywhere, I can't help but sleep with my window open.  

The message is as clear as my mother's voice, it's time to move on, start new.

We hear it all around.

We will all forgive, and maybe not forget, but that's what's so beautiful.

Just when we think everything is failing, God will always take care of His children.  

Especially the ones who are on His side.

This is a new time, and new season that we all need to advantage of. I'm begging you to please start over new. Forget everything you've done, everything you didn't do.  

Forget the ones who don't matter, and remember the ones who most definitely do.  

It's time, don't wait any longer. 

 Because all your doing is hurting right now, and I know you're tired of it.  I can tell you're so tired of thinking and not being able to breath. 

I've felt that way before, and trust me, this grass on the other side of the fence is so much greener and so much better. Come on, don't be shy, come on over and be happy with all these people who love you and care about you.

Do You Remember? Cause I Do.

Remember when we tied paper clips at the end of burlap strings that were tied to long sticks?  We would put pieces of kraft cheese on the end for bait.  We would cast our homemade fishing polls into the farmer next door's irrigation ditch hoping to catch anything.  I remember always being scared that he would see us and yell at us like he did before.

Remember when Santa brought me the fake diamond and silver choker?

Remember when they kicked me out of their club because I didn't have my ears pierced?  I had to wait until I was twelve.

Remember when my mom cut up white t-shirts to make them look old and tattered?  We would wear them with red bandanas and we would hold our plastic swords from Disneyland.  We played pirates for days that summer, and never got tired of it.

Remember the water fights, and when you broke my favorite water bottle?  I think you were the first one that gave me butterflies.  Everyday I would wait to see if you'd come to swim practice.

Remember when it poured rain, and your whole backyard was a mud pit?  We asked our moms if we could play in it, surprisingly they said yes.  It was a dream come true.

Remember when we would practice for hours our dance routine that we made up to the Hillary Duff CD?  We sent out invitations for the neighbors to watch us in our own little concert.  I remember being so nervous.

Remember riding our bikes to the pond?  We brought tupperware with us to put the tadpoles we would catch.  Water would spill out while we rode our bikes all the way home all over our legs.  We put them in your fish bowl, and by morning they would all be dead.  Every time, but nothing stopped us from going again the next week.

Remember going to the dollar store?  Mom would let us pick one thing, and it was always so hard for me to choose.

Remember when Dad took us for rides on the four wheeler?  I felt like a big girl when he would let me steer.  I was secretly really scared of the loud noise, and the big dirt hills.

How to have a successful GNO.

Are you in need of a Girls Night Out?  

First, you need to find out what kind of night you're expecting to have.

Would you like a sobbing, sad, pity party night? 

Or an "I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22"night?

Let's go with the second-less miserable option. 

Okay, let's see, the perfect recipe for a night of fun with the girls absolutely needs an hour to prep for.

Look through your closet and pick out your most attractive outfit. 

Get together with your girlfriends, and take it to the city.

Shopping is usually preferred, Anthropologie is a nice place to start.

Dream, and dream, and dream.  

And remember laughing is the very best medicine.

Yes, laughter is critical.  All this fluff is put to waste without a night full of laughter.

All the while Taylor Swift must be playing in the background.

And there you have it.  A very successful GNO. #yolo

Black Paper.

We sat in that room and it was dark.  Well ya the lights were dimmed real low, but it was the kind of dark you can taste.  I looked around and I could see little spurts of light, here and there.  And those lights were usually smiling, not only with their mouths but also with their eyes. 

Then I looked some more, and I didn't have to look very long to see many many black holes.  Especially when they spoke, I felt the foggy, thick, black trouble that they go through everyday.  

The deep deep love that they spoke about, was in reality only the thin top layer of their hearts.  

Why could these black holes only see what's in front of them.  Black paper is surrounding them, making them think that this is how it will always be.    

I found myself tearing down black paper this year.  I didn't know, but I started to build it up around me.   

I looked at my hands, and noticed what they were doing, I looked at those around me that were covered and didn't know where to start to tear.  I did not want to be like them.  And I knew that the black paper would never make me happy.  

Isn't it obvious to see that black paper won't make you happy?  It never has and never will.  

But so many people in that room were covered.  Some had layer upon layer upon layer of paper.  Stapled, taped, glued.  And we saw it, we could tell that we were different.  We were able to see so much more.  

Cliché phrases, artificial tears, and black paper is all we saw and heard.  

And that's why we didn't listen to music on our way home.  We didn't talk about the paper walls that we almost built for ourselves.  But we talked about the hands that tore them down, and we thanked Him and thanked Him for all the beauty that was in our lives.

Some Things I Love.

Dialogue.

"Scoot over Haley!"

"Um... You really think I can? Yeah right, I'm about to fall off!"

"Guys, it doesn't even matter!  In the morning we'll all 

be crammed in the middle, and we won't even care!  

We'll be too lazy and too cold to move anyway!"

"You're right. Sorry."

...........

"Wow. Look at all the beautiful stars."

"Yeah, they're really beautiful tonight."

"You know guys, this is our last summer together.  

And I never want this to end."

"Stop, you're going to make me cry."

"But we still have a few months, so let's make the very very best of it."

"I love you guys."

"Love you too."

"Love you too."

"Good night."

"Sleep tight."

"Night."

Blackout.

The daily purchase to love.

Get your deal free with a friend.

Recently you come totally painless. 

All you have to do is compare Science and ancestors.

Ride It To Shore.

Boogie Boarding takes getting used to. 

 You need to know which waves to ride, and which ones to pass over.  

Being ready is critical.  

One second too late... you missed it.

One second too early... 

the wave topples over you, making you crash into the sand.

Sometimes even with the end of the board jammed into your gut.

Some waves aren't even worth riding.

They hardly get you anywhere, barely to shore, not even fun.

But when you can feel the water pulling you in,

and there's nothing you can do but go with it, 

you know a good one's coming.

One that's worth riding.

One that will take you all the way to where you've been wanting to go.

All the way to shore.

One that's strong enough, 

bold enough to take you with it.

But make sure you keep you're whole body aboard.

Unless you want sand all up in your swim suit bottoms,

because the ocean always comes back in again.

And you'll be dragged away unless you stand up ashore on your own.

You might run back in, to wash all the sand out of your suit, 

then to catch another wave.

But remember this, 

if the wave fails you, always, always try again.

Because you never know if the next wave 

will be better,

and hopefully stronger than the one before.

Little Places.

Boot camp for my emotions.

That's it, I'm done.  I've decided to open the old closet and clear it all out.

I'm done being pushed and yanked and dragged by my own emotions.  These feelings that control my thoughts, my actions, my words, are not working for me.

From now on, I am in charge.  And they all better watch out because they're all about to be put through boot camp.

RULES TO MY NEW LIFE:

1. I will not laugh until I hear something hilarious.

2.  I will not scream until I can't hold it in any longer.

3.  I will not cry until I have a dang good reason.

4. And I will not let anyone influence me until they
prove themselves.

AHHHH Finally.

Where are my dolls now?

I wish I was as easily entertained as I used to be.  My baby dolls, barbies, crayons, playground, sand box, and lemonade stands.  It's much harder now to feel my imagination.  To feel the juices flowing into words, and stories, and magic.  I have to work for it, squeeze it out. 

 I used to be so scared of the tooth fairy.  When I felt her picking up my pillow, I didn't dare look.  

My childhood friend and I would play barbies for hours, and hours and hours.  She had so many. It was paradise.  Always the same, a mom, dad, older sister, and younger brother and sister, with a baby on the way.  

Six Words.

Let's all learn how to sing.

We live the best we can.

I can fix that for you.

I wish I had another arm.

She did it, so will I.

I knew you would be lovely.

Don't forget that prayer is free.

We will have a great summer.

Let go and take it in.

Forever is a very long time.

There's nothing funnier than a human.

I can feel change in everything.

I worry myself more than others.

I think I'll be happy today.

What to do when you're sad:

1. Take fifteen deep, deep breaths.

2. Go outside.

3. Find a spot where no one can see you, and you can't see them.

4. Take out your ear buds, and listen to life.

5. Point out the birds, and the bugs and the wild flowers.

6. Stop thinking about whatever is making you sad.

7. Think of someone you love.

8. Think of all they've done for you.

9. Now, think of something you can do for them.

10. Get off your butt and do that thing.

It's as easy as that.

Are we there yet?

Every second it's getting closer and closer to the end.  In two months it'll all be over.  You two will leave to college together, and I'll be off to a far away land, utterly alone.  But I guess there are worse things than being alone.  And you'll leave on your mission, just like that, gone for two years.  We'll be off to start a new chapter in our own books.

Think of all the magic we've been through together.  Think of the many hours we've laughed our guts out.  Think of the many words we've said to each other.  But try not to think about the very limited time we have left.

I wish I could hit a pause button, just until I can take it all in.  Just until I can memorize all of your smiles, and funny faces.  How have you all handled me through out these last months?  I've been all over the place.  Sliding down the walls, jumping up and down, climbing all over the furniture, breaking windows, ripping carpet, throwing the cat down the hall.

From here on out, let's take it real slow.  Real, real slow.  Because I can't handle the fast pace that we've all been going for far too long.  Let's breathe in every moment, so it can travel through our brains down to our hearts, where we'll keep the memories forever.  I just hope that in the near future, my name will still be written all over each one of your books. Because after all, we're all Fat Whales.

I'm always safe with you.

You'll never know how badly and deeply I want to make you proud.  And when you keep me home on weekend nights, you'll never know how badly I want to sneak out and run away.  But I never will because I know when I'm home and with you, I'm safe.  

Because your hands are so safe.  They're brown and callused and thick, pumping with warm blood.  And I know when you play with my hair it's because you love me, even though it doesn't feel as good as when mom does it.  

When you keep me home on those weekend nights, away from my best friends that I love with all my heart, I want to scream so loud that you have to let me go.  But I know that you only keep me here because you love me.  You tell me every time I say good night.  And I don't remember a night that you haven't.  

Even when it's way too late and I'm so mad, and you regret what you just said to me.  I storm out of the room only hoping you'll come meet me in mine.  But you never do, because you know I need that time to cool off.  And you know I'll be back in at least five minutes with big tears, my lip out, and my heart swollen and open, ready for a big bear hug from my daddy.  

And from those nights, that aren't too often, is when I learn my most important lessons.  I don't remember the words we speak at all, but I remember the warm, safe feeling that rushes over me every time.  

I remember we would rent old John Wayne western movies, and we'd laugh for hours and hours.  You loved me to watch them with you... I'll never know why.

When I leave at the end of this summer, I'll be ready.  Because the hours in the hot, sweaty sun, working in the yard, weeding, and planting, and shoveling and raking, that has prepared me.  And getting up at six thirty every morning to read scriptures, every single morning, has built me.  When we were kids, we would talk during church like every other family.  But unlike any other Dad in the whole ward, you would bring us to choir practice after church and make us sit in silence listening, for the entire hour, with our arms folded.  I hated that so much.  

Someday I'll look back and realize I'm doing the exact same to my daughter.  I really hope I do.

I've always wanted to be a dancer.

I've always wanted to be a dancer.  Not just any kind of dancer, but a ballerina.  There's just something about a tutu, and the pink silky slippers, the black leotards and pink tights.  I've never been a graceful girl, and I took a ballet class when I was three, for one day.  

My mom took me home as soon as the class was over, and never brought me back.  I wonder how my life would be different if she kept me there..... maybe I'm glad I'm not a dancer the more I think about it.  The hours and hours of practice and practice and practice.  Is it really worth it for one performance?  I guess I'll never know.

Gridley, California.

I can't even remember the last time I was in the little town of Gridley, California.  The beautiful, quiet town is lined with orchards on both sides of the road, with an occasional humble home.  Sheldon Ave. is the sign we always watch for, waiting for the little blue home with the gate and the stairs leading up to the loft above the garage.

As we get out of the smelly, messy van, the humidity and heat hits us like a ton of bricks.  We can already smell the chlorine from the pool and the fresh green walnuts from the famous tree.  As we walk through the gates, my petite Grandma Jenkins is always there to greet us with hugs and kisses no matter what hour we arrive.  Peaches the cat is always by her side.

The first thing I do  is take the very familiar tour around the property.  I see the peanut shaped pool with the twirly slide that once sliced my fingers open.  I look into the changing room that still has the swim suits from summers ago... no one has claimed them yet.

I walk across the grass, where we always play whiffle ball, to the old rickety play ground.  I then open up the old wooden gate to see the rustic barn and magical kiwi orchard, where I've spent many hours hunting down tiny frogs.

The beautiful rose garden on the right side of the home is my Grandma's pride and joy.  With yellow gold, pink, red, white and multi-colored roses, it is the most beautiful thing I've seen.  

The smell of my grandparent's home doesn't smell like anything else in the world.  There's my Grandpa working on his cross word puzzle as he always is on the kitchen table, with a bowl of oats, milk, and fresh peaches my Grandma picked that morning.

My Grandma's special glass case filled with porcelain dolls was always my favorite growing up.  I would love to hold them and touch their beautiful golden curls.  Down the hall is the play room where the boys usually are, when they're not playing whiffle ball.  The oldest Nintendo you'll ever see is still being used after all these years by all the little trouble making boys.  I can't believe how amazing they are at that game.

 This summer I'll be returning to Gridley, California.  And I can hardly wait to see what I can remember, and to smell what I've been waiting so long to smell.  

Uncertainty.

My eyes aren't working right now because I just woke up from a nap.  A nap I knew I was going to need since the moment I woke up this morning.  Too many times during the day I start to feel my heart racing.  My face starts beating and palms sweating.  Too many nights are spent tossing and turning, thinking of what's going to happen next.  The uncertainty is killing me.

I think of college, missions, people leaving, and new ones coming.  I hate it.  I think of the life I thought was going to be mine. A perfect one with people I loved and places I wanted to stay.  But it's not mine anymore, I guess it never was.  I so badly wanted it to be, and I feel so weak that I don't have control over that part of my life.  My insides burn with the thoughts and dreams that faded from my heart down, down, down.  I still have them, and when I do I have to tell myself that they'll never be.

I don't know how much I can handle, and I am sure I can juggle much more.  This is the biggest thing in my life right now.  Which is most likely the same thing in your life.  And yours, and yours.  In all of ours.  I haven't had to carry very many things that turn me from what I've always known.

But then there's you.  And once I throw you into my 'big pot of everything' that I call my life, I feel a different type of burning in my heart.  It's so deep that I don't know if it's in my heart.  If there is a part of me deeper that my heart...that's where my feelings for you are.

When you have me, everything I've talked about before vanishes.  They shrink and shrink until I am able to consume them.  A huge raging flood rushes through my mind filled with beautiful words you've written to me, times when it has just been me and you.  In my mind it's just me and you.  And I know I don't always know what to say.  I guess I don't really have anything to say, and you don't either.  We're both great listeners, and when you put two listeners together, there's not going to be much talking.  But I don't care.  Because I like the silence.  It's peaceful and full of you, and it's perfect.

  I need to stop staring at the pavement beneath me that I've been staring at for a while now.  I need to lift my head up, see the living, breathing trees.  Admire the living, breathing people and plants and earth that has always been around me.  For now I'll keep living, smiling, laughing, pushing, and growing.  But most importantly, I need to keep breathing.

Please Just Read These.

Death.

Wow.  That's really harsh.  I really don't like that word.  How about "He passed away", or "He's moved on", or "He's in another life".  Yeah, that sounds much much better.

I know I'm supposed to make this post deep and sad and depressing.
Why would I want to burden myself with such a heavy subject.  A subject that worries everyone, but for real, no one ever needs to.  We are all going to die.  It's all apart of the beauty and magic of the circle of life.  Whether it be from Obesity,

or a Gun Shot,

or a Car Crash,

or a Fire,

or Cancer,

or Diabetus,

or Drinking Too Much,

or Falling Off a Cliff,

or Getting Electrocuted,

or Being Eaten by a Shark,

or Never Being Loved,

or Inhaling Chemicals,

or Drowning In a Bath Tub,

or Being Old.

I don't think I know, I don't think I understand.  No one close to me has ever died before... besides my great grandparents, and they actually wanted to die because of being so old.

I guess I don't even know the heart wrenching pain, and blood curdling feelings that come along with death.

Someday I'm sure I will lose someone I love, I'm sure I'll cry and cry and cry and cry and cry.  But right now I can't even imagine the feeling.

Right now I am going to cherish the ones that are living.  The ones around me I love and love to hold, and love to laugh with.  So when someday they do die, I will be able to say I loved them and they loved me, and their life was full of love.

Without love, death would not sting.

This one's for the girls.

Take a moment.  Run to the nearest mirror in your home.  Don't keep reading, go, go look at yourself.  But First...

While you're there look at your hair, the color.  Is it Chocolate Brown? Golden Blonde?  Rustic Red?  Jet Black?  Whatever the color, it is gorgeous.  Now move down to your eyes.  Look at how they sparkle.  Look deep, deep into your own soul.  Can you see it?  I can.  And it is beautiful.  There is light.  There is happiness even if you have to look deep, it's there.  It's in everyone.

Move down to your lips.  Lipstick or not, they're perfect, in every way.  There is someone in this world that is dying to meet theirs with yours.  Somewhere, someone.

I almost forgot! Move back up to your nose.  Reach up and touch the curves, feel how God made you.  He put so much effort into making that nose for you.  It fits you perfectly.  I bet He spent hours on that nose.

Now look at your hands.  What have you done with those hands?  Look at your nails, and all they've been through so far.  I'm sure they know how you feel.  They are beautiful, natural, durable, strong.  You are strong.  You are beautiful.  Have the courage to use your hands, not just in any way.  Anyone can use their hands for awful, horrible things.  But you can use your hands for good.  It takes more practice and energy, but the feeling you'll receive for using your hands for others, is like no other.

Look at your eyelashes.  Are they coated, covered, hiding?  They need to breath, I promise you.  Let them breath, take all your make up off, and let them breath.  Blink a few times and see how they flutter.  They are beautiful... breath taking.  I've seen them, and I don't think anyone has any like them.

 How could anyone not see how beautiful you are.  You can see it, I know you can.  Because you are beautiful.  You really are.  YOU are.  Not your clothes, or your shoes, or your make up.  Your face and hands are beautiful, and that's all that matters.

This little one has it all figured out.

Freak.

I hate the guy who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart.  I  hate his beard and his lips, and his hair, and his wife, and the hole he kept her in.  I hate how he sang church hymns in court.  Freak.  He is so scary.  Hate it.

I'm scared I'll be swimming in the ocean and a school of jellyfish will find me and go in my swimsuit and sting me over and over.  I won't be able to get them out, they'll be shocking me until they slowly cook my insides and I die as a big piece of cooked meat floating in the salty cold ocean.

I hate throwing up.  I'm scared of throwing up in the middle of the commons on a guy I don't even know.  I tried to get to the garbage can, but I couldn't get there in time.  I splattered all over his jeans, and all up the trash can to the opening.  I'm scared of the feeling I would get when I look up and see everyone staring at me with faces of disgust.  No one says a word.

I'm scared of anyone but my mom see me break down and cry.  I hate the feeling of not being able to control my emotions.  Because I can handle anything without breaking right?  Wrong.

I'm scared of Antarctica and being cold for the rest of my life.  I'm scared of the cold.  I'm scared of being frost bitten and having to chop off my toes because they turn black and purple.

I'm so scared of marrying the wrong person.  I thought I loved him for a long time.  And maybe I really did.  But one day he comes home and is different, and he never goes back to being normal.  I'd be stuck with him forever unless I would want to go through divorce.  Which is such a foreign thing to me.

I'm scared of someday having to move far far far away from my family, to a different country.  I live alone and I somehow break a minor law.  I'm thrown in jail and there they torture me and abuse me and there's nothing I can do about it.  That would probably be the very worst thing.  Ever.  Around people I can't even understand.

I really hope that Indian guy was right in the video Nelson showed us.  If he is, this post is worthless.  I really hope this is worthless.

Please don't leave my thoughts.

Every time I try to do something productive, you won't leave my thoughts.

Get out! Get out! You never leave. I don't even know what I keep thinking about.  I keep dreaming, imagining, pretending, fixing things. But in the morning.  Nothing really has changed. You're still the same and I'm still the same. 

And sometimes I get tired of myself.  I get tired of the way I sing in the shower.  Tired of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I make. Please kill me before I have to eat another.  I'm tired of doing my hair every single day for school, and putting on the same exact make-up everyday. I thought I loved schedules and routines and never changing.  But I think I need a change, right about now.  And I think that's why I keep thinking of you.  You're new, exciting, and funny and a little scary I guess.  I love being stupid with you.  It's the funniest thing ever, and I guess that's what I always think about.

For me, I think of you like a fat man thinks of cheeseburgers.  

I think of you like soup thinks it needs a little more salt.  

Like a parade thinks of the finishing touch of confetti.

Like how my grandma is always thinking of anyone but herself.

I think of you like how a dirty carpet thinks of being cleaned by a brand spankin' new vacume.

Like a old, dusty book thinks about being cracked open again.

Like how a young mother thinks of her children at home with that twelve year old babysitter.  I hope they're safe.

I think of you like vanilla ice cream thinks of being too plain. I need chocolate, and sprinkles, and nuts, and bananas and more chocolate. You are my chocolate. And most of the time you are what makes me taste good.  "Everything that don't make sense about me, makes sense when I'm with you." -Hunter Hayes

I think of you with everything.  Somehow everything reminds me of you.  And there I go again thinking of you. Would you please stop giving me things to think about? 

But please for right now, just for this second, don't leave my thoughts.

I love you mama.

I love you mama.  You always know what to tell me when something isn't quite right.  Even if I don't want to hear it, it seems to always help.

I can't really see how you love me sometimes.

 I always mess up and once I think I've climbed to my feet again, I smack myself  back down.  You've seen me at my worst and that's not a very beautiful sight to see.  But still you love me, unconditionally.

Because I bet you think back to when I was little.  Have I changed at all?  I can't really remember if I was any different.  I feel the same, and I think the same, even if I look a little different.

You're still addicted to the little blue container of Savex Chapstick.  The brand you've used since I don't know when.  Aw crap.  Now  I think you've got me addicted too because I have to put it on every night before bed, because it smells like you.

Thanks for always listening to what I have to say.  And you get excited about the little things I get excited about because... because... I don't know why.  I love that about you.

Thanks for saying I look beautiful every morning, even when I'm running way late and I haven't even put make up on yet.

 I love how you've taught me how to work.  I remember cleaning the toilet when I was little and you'd come in and check if I'd done it right.

There was always something I needed to do better, and you always made me go back in and do it again.  I can't tell you how much I hated that.  But now I'm grateful, because now I can clean a toilet... dang well.

Down the road if I get lost and I forget how much I love you, make me read this.  I know sometimes I forget that I love you.  Please forgive me for those times.  I'm sorry my room is always a mess.

 But at least I have a clean toilet.